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Jul. 6th, 2011 | 10:05 pm

This word has become increasingly profound to me over the last year and a half. I wonder about Casey Anthony today. She was found Not Guilty. I honestly have not been following the case and I only know that the world believes that a woman, guilty of killing her four year old little girl, has walked free. What is family to her? She accused her dad and brother of sexually molesting her, and is now being accused of killing her daughter so that she can party more? Something about this situation completely ignites a fire in my stomach. If a mother is capable of something like this, to not only take a life - but the life of her daughter, what part of "mother" was she? Family is a word to me that connects deeper and stronger then any other link that humans can share.
I was at the dog park tonight while Adam was practicing with his band. A little boy called to me from outside the fence, after a few moments of watching the dogs. He asked me if he was allowed to come in? I asked how old he was and he said 9? I told him that he had to being either 9 or 10 but I couldn't remember. He looked at the sign and he told me that the rule was 10. He said "well i can be 10!". I told him he should ask his mother, that it wasn't up to me, but sometimes dogs jump, and that can be scary. He said "my mom doesn't care" and he came and sat right next to me. I enjoyed his company and wondered about what he said "My mom doesn't care". Maybe she didn't, or maybe she did... but either way he was sitting next to me and we were talking about instincts of dogs. I enjoyed the company of my little friend tonight ( i wish I asked his name). I can't help to think of Laike at 9 years old. Will i really not care where or what he is doing at 9:00 at night? Will I let him right his bike around town without telling me where he is going? It is hard to believe I will ever let go that much. It has been hard enough to start weaning him!
I was talking with my dad a few weeks ago and he was talking about letting go of me? He admitted that he isn't quite sure how to be a father to me if I don't "need" him anymore. Family.... It is full of such beauty and yet brings up such strong emotions within me... i guess that is beautiful to! Thank you God for the blessing of my family i love them... every one of them

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Jun. 14th, 2011 | 10:14 am

Adam and I just returned from the most amazing vacation. We went to an all inclusive resort in Mexico. Honestly I wasn't exactly what to expect and I had kind of low expectations because I have heard so much negative stuff about mexico recently. As we were driving to our hotel I got my first glimpse of the amazing Caribbean sea. It literally brought tears to my eyes. It was a color of aqua that I have never seen. When we arrived at the hotel we were greeted with cold hand towels and banana iced tea. This was just a small insight into how we would be treated during our stay. We were taken to our room and the view from our balcony with breath taking. I have to say I felt like an excited little girl on christmas morning. We took a minute to take it in but then got our bathing suits on andwent to see if we could find some lunch. There was a restaurant that was pretty much right on the beach. Watching the ocean waves roll in as I simmed a mojito was delightful. THis restaurant offered both an al a carte menu and a buffet for lunch. We decided on the buffet filled with fresh fruits and vegetables and a varity of sea food and italian favorites. After lunch we laid by the infinity pools. THey were so gorgeous. The way the pools were set up it looked like they were part of the ocean, it is hard to explain but it was so cool. We talked about how we weird it was that we had no schedule and no place to be. We were going to have to force ourselves to slow down and not think about time. That was pretty easy because there were no clocks around and no one seemed to be in a hurry. We were treated like kings the entire time we were there. We had exquisite cuisine and someone offering us drinks regularly. I have to say it was a much need vacation.
On the other hand it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard to be away from my little boy. I missed him so much. One night I couldn't sleep and woke up crying because i was so sad to be away from him. He did fine while he stayed with his Grandma but I do believe I won't be leaving him any time soon! I enjoyed not having responsibility but the joy he brings to my life is too much to leave him again. Next family vacation will be a full family affair.
I was happy to see him at the airport. He was a little confused about why we were there but was very happy to see us.

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May. 26th, 2011 | 04:14 pm

So today was my official last day of internship/work. It is really quite a good thing. I feel really peaceful about it. I have been preparing for it for a while and now that is here I am really satisfied with my decision to not work right now. I remember when I started I felt that it would be the longest 9 months of my life. In a lot of ways it was. It was so hard to be away from Laike and so hard, especially on Thursdays, to drive so far away from him and leave him in someone elses' care. Now it is over. I have learned alot for sure. Much more about me then about anything else, but it is all one I am sure. I really did enjoy my time with clients. I know this is something I am created for. I know that God has blessed me with a desire and a gift for working with people. I feel energized by people. I also know that I have the gift of Laike and I am so happy to have the privilege to spend my days watching him grow. We will see how doors open up as we proceed into the next phase of this journey.
Laike is continuing to light up my life. I love him beyond words. He makes me laugh, he warms my heart and he brings the word "family" to a completely new level of intensity. I am so thankful for my family, for the bond that will unite us forever.
So much to be thankful for, yet no words to really say anymore.

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Mar. 6th, 2011 | 12:12 pm

It was today, 8 years ago that one of my best friends died in a terrible car accident. She was 18 driving on a fast country road. She hit black ice and before she knew it she hit a tree and was dead. I think about it and it sickens me to think of her life gone so young. She was energetic, fun and someone with whom I have many great memories. I miss her deeply and it saddens me to think how life has moved on without her in it. Today i just hope to make a tribute to her and the short life she lived. She was a good friend with a good heart. She was by my side from very young. Though as young girls we had arguments she was a confidant and a friend. I love her, I miss her. May you value and hold close those you love today and always. "If everything that we have can be gone at any moment, then it is all a gift" Thank you God for the gift of Jen. Hold her close and let her know she is loved and missed.

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Feb. 2nd, 2011 | 12:10 pm

We had a huge blizzard last night. They are calling it the Blizzard of 2011... a little dramatic but still really exciting. We have over 14 in of snow outside. People are skiing down the middle of the road, i wish i could go out. Adam tried to get his truck out, so that he could go to work today, but he got 10 feet and was stuck. Neighbors came out to help him move his truck back so that he wasn't blocking the middle of the street. He had to walk down to the main road and one of his co workers came to pick him up. It is really ridiculous that tv is so important to people that my husband has to go out in this nastiness. Anyway, HAPPY SNOW DAY!!!

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Weight loss

Dec. 7th, 2010 | 12:59 pm

This battle to lose pregnancy weight has been way harder then I thought it would be. I was working hard at losing the last few pounds of christmas weight when I got pregnant. I knew my body would change and that I would have to put on weight to be able to develop the growing baby inside of me. However, now my gorgeous son is here, he is 8 months old, but my thoughts and energy can sometimes be consumed by my anger towards my FAT body. It is the holidays right now so the unhealthy foods abound. I had been running and enjoying increasing my mileage in the summer and fall, but now it is getting colder and snow and ice are filling the sidewalks. Needless to say I have all but given up on running through the winter. I am still exercising and trying figure out how to burn more calories then i consume. In my head I tell myself that the only thing that really matters is that I have a healthy son who is getting lots of nutrition from my milk and if I eat healthy and stay active the weight will just melt away. It is hard to believe this. I look in my closet at all the size 6 clothes that i used to fit comfortably into. Then I cringe when i see the muffin top budge over the pants i am wearing.
Now that I've thoroughly complained..... I am more then thankful for the health of my family. For the warm happiness that each day brings. I am grateful beyond words for my baby boy and so so so filled with Joy at the wonders of God's gifts.

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Oct. 8th, 2010 | 04:04 pm

I am getting better at balancing life. I am starting to enjoy my internship. It is quite amazing how strong my feelings of enjoyment for my job and wanting to be home with my baby can be. It is amazing to me that I intensely feel strongly towards conflicting situations. Anyway, I am starting to adjust to him being with Rachel and he is definitely find and adjusted. He loves when I am home but he also loves being with Adam and I think he enjoys being with Rachel. So in the end, happy baby makes a happy mama. The thing I want to add to my rhythm is running. I've stopped due to being so stressed about leaving Laike, now that I am more balanced with that I must add this in. My alarm is set for 6 20, I will get up and run.

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Internship and life

Sep. 21st, 2010 | 11:01 am

I started my internship two weeks ago. So, for the past two weeks I have been overwhelmed with guilt and pain over leaving my Laike. I have not enjoyed being at my internship because I know my baby is in the care of another. I have nothing but trust for those watching my son, however, the part of me that is now mother happens to take up most of my thoughts. In any other situation I think I would truely enjoying my internship and giving it my all. I am in desperate need to let go and allow this internship to be the learning experience I know it should be. Yesterday, I was sitting in my group supervision class and I was reminded why I really do love this work. Though the days are tough and the time away from Laike completely breaks my heart, I really do think that this is a beautiful work that I have the privilege of being apart of. Yesterday a woman came into my office and immediately began weeping. I was set back at the thought of just meeting me and yet allowing her emotions to let loose. I desperately want to be used by God in this time and I know if I am to do this, I must let go of my present guilt and trust that this is the space I need to be in at this time. I know Laike is okay, He knows he is loved and in the end I truely believe it will be right for our family for me to finish this degree.

Laike is truely the light in my life right now. Adam and I have recently been doing an experiment. Laike sits in his bouncy seat where a monkey, elephant and giraffe hang over his head. He grabs his monkey every time be leaves the elephant and giraffe. So we decided to move the monkey around to the other spots and see if he still grabs for it. He does. No matter where the monkey goes he grabs it down and leaves the other two. I guess this is just my first realization that my baby has preferences and likes and dislikes. Funny that baby is!

Adam is starting to look at Music therapy as a possible future for him. He has talked to a few people and plans to go sit in on a session next week. It is excited for him to be looking at something new for his life. He has been unsettled in his current job for at least the last two years. He is spending more time in music and I believe it is truely a magical way for him to express his creative side.
I love my family, Praise be to God

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4.5 months

Aug. 26th, 2010 | 04:00 pm

Things are going fast and furious. Laike is starting to really show his personality. He is a lot like Adam in so many ways. He is so quiet when around new people or in new situations. However when he is a lone he loves to laugh and be tickled. He is such a sweet and pleasant boy. He is so cuddly. When I get him up from his nap he loves to snuggle in for a minute before I change his diaper. He doesn't really cry very often. He does when he is hungry or tired but that is about it. We are gearing up for me to start my internship. I will desperately miss being away from him and having to have someone else care for him. I know it is for the best in the long run. My friend Rachel is going to watch him which makes things a little better but it still isn't me and that is hard. I gave him banana for the first time yesterday. He liked it. He had been watching intently as we ate and started acting like he was starving so i decided to give him a taste. His face lit up when he tasted it. I guess he loves food just like me! Well i guess that is the best update I have

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A light at the end

Jul. 28th, 2010 | 08:47 am

I am finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. All these classes will soon come to an end. I have two weeks left of course work, which includes text book reading, papers, and projects. I'm so over it. The nice thing is that at the end of this series of classes I will have a vacation. It will be so nice to be with my family in Northern Michigan. Kelsie and Kyle are coming up with their family and my parents also rented a place on the Lake. I am hoping this will become a tradition. I have fallen in love with michigan and it is all i can do to get my family to as well. I must say I miss having family. I am constantly trying to build relationships and I am realizing it is a lot more work then it has ever been before. However, i talk to my sister every day and I talk to my parents most days and it just makes me wish we were all closer. Not to mention I am desperate for childcare help, during my internship, and I know my mother would love the opportunity to be with Laike 2 days a week. ugh it makes me sick to think of someone else with my baby.
On another note i am running again which is wonderful. i am finally back to the distance I was at pre pregnancy. I am ready to push myself now. i would love to be able to get out 5 mornings a week and run 3 miles at a time but for now I will recognize the success of 3 times a week at 2 miles.
Laike is doing wonderfully. He is my little buddy. i love to hear him laugh and see him smile. He is engaging really well. sometimes we think he is older then he is and must take a step back and recognize he is still only 4 months old. I love him beyond words. A friend let me borrow her exersaucer and i have been letting him explore this. He is still really small for it but he does engage it a little bit.
Anyway, i suppose this is all for now! peace

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