tracythomp - Change

Life has changed for Adam and I. I had the awakening in class that I am in the wrong place. School Psychology was the program that I was beginning to study but it was completely not me. The program was teaching me to give tests. I would have become a person who analyzed and calulated statistics for tests. I want to be apart of kids lives, I want to help kids. I don't see myself as a tester but rather as a counselor. So I decided to quit my program. I guess this is so hard for me cause I am so hard on me. I've always told myself and been told that if I don't go to school right away than I am lazy and I'll never get it done. I admit I have been selfish, even in my marriage about this. Adam has always been supportive of me and my dreams and encouraged me that he would stand by my side no matter when or what I decide to do. However, I've constantly put a time limit on my life. I've done this sometimes completely knowledgable and sometimes just subconsciously. I've put my life on my agenda and I realize how wrong i've been. I've realized how much I have and will miss out on if i continue to do this. I'm constantly telling kids that their lives will turn out so much differently then they plan and they will be better for it. HOwever, I continue to plan. I feel the need to step back. I still have dreams and goals. I still want my degree, probably in School Counseling of some sort. However, now is not the time. Now there is something bigger. I know how desperately Adam dreams of his goals. We don't know what we will do but we are seeking direction.
I've had a fear lately of not getting my goals accomplished. I get so scared that Adam or I will die before we've done something great. I'm very aware of this fear and i'm constantly praying for peace about it. I was sitting in church and suddenly realized that I have this dream of the distant future and being something great. However, every single day i should be thinking about how i am going to be great to the girl who was raped by her father, or the girl whose mother dropped her off and never picked her up. I have a chance every day to be used divinely. Because of my selfishness I've missed out on these blessings. I've prayed for years that God would use me, that God would put me in a place to be used. I'm still praying for that; but i've missed the fact that he is using me. Every day I wake up is a blessing. God will direct me and God is directing me. Everything I do is for the glory of God and I need to stop focusing on what I have yet to accomplish and focus on the great things God is using me for now. Adam and I are thinking about alot of things. And I believe our ability to stop and breath will be more useful than we even know.