tracythomp

Family

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 02:05:02 GMT

This word has become increasingly profound to me over the last year and a half. I wonder about Casey Anthony today. She was found Not Guilty. I honestly have not been following the case and I only know that the world believes that a woman, guilty of killing her four year old little girl, has walked free. What is family to her? She accused her dad and brother of sexually molesting her, and is now being accused of killing her daughter so that she can party more? Something about this situation completely ignites a fire in my stomach. If a mother is capable of something like this, to not only take a life - but the life of her daughter, what part of "mother" was she? Family is a word to me that connects deeper and stronger then any other link that humans can share.
I was at the dog park tonight while Adam was practicing with his band. A little boy called to me from outside the fence, after a few moments of watching the dogs. He asked me if he was allowed to come in? I asked how old he was and he said 9? I told him that he had to being either 9 or 10 but I couldn't remember. He looked at the sign and he told me that the rule was 10. He said "well i can be 10!". I told him he should ask his mother, that it wasn't up to me, but sometimes dogs jump, and that can be scary. He said "my mom doesn't care" and he came and sat right next to me. I enjoyed his company and wondered about what he said "My mom doesn't care". Maybe she didn't, or maybe she did... but either way he was sitting next to me and we were talking about instincts of dogs. I enjoyed the company of my little friend tonight ( i wish I asked his name). I can't help to think of Laike at 9 years old. Will i really not care where or what he is doing at 9:00 at night? Will I let him right his bike around town without telling me where he is going? It is hard to believe I will ever let go that much. It has been hard enough to start weaning him!
I was talking with my dad a few weeks ago and he was talking about letting go of me? He admitted that he isn't quite sure how to be a father to me if I don't "need" him anymore. Family.... It is full of such beauty and yet brings up such strong emotions within me... i guess that is beautiful to! Thank you God for the blessing of my family i love them... every one of them

Cancun

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 14:14:02 GMT

Adam and I just returned from the most amazing vacation. We went to an all inclusive resort in Mexico. Honestly I wasn't exactly what to expect and I had kind of low expectations because I have heard so much negative stuff about mexico recently. As we were driving to our hotel I got my first glimpse of the amazing Caribbean sea. It literally brought tears to my eyes. It was a color of aqua that I have never seen. When we arrived at the hotel we were greeted with cold hand towels and banana iced tea. This was just a small insight into how we would be treated during our stay. We were taken to our room and the view from our balcony with breath taking. I have to say I felt like an excited little girl on christmas morning. We took a minute to take it in but then got our bathing suits on andwent to see if we could find some lunch. There was a restaurant that was pretty much right on the beach. Watching the ocean waves roll in as I simmed a mojito was delightful. THis restaurant offered both an al a carte menu and a buffet for lunch. We decided on the buffet filled with fresh fruits and vegetables and a varity of sea food and italian favorites. After lunch we laid by the infinity pools. THey were so gorgeous. The way the pools were set up it looked like they were part of the ocean, it is hard to explain but it was so cool. We talked about how we weird it was that we had no schedule and no place to be. We were going to have to force ourselves to slow down and not think about time. That was pretty easy because there were no clocks around and no one seemed to be in a hurry. We were treated like kings the entire time we were there. We had exquisite cuisine and someone offering us drinks regularly. I have to say it was a much need vacation.
On the other hand it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard to be away from my little boy. I missed him so much. One night I couldn't sleep and woke up crying because i was so sad to be away from him. He did fine while he stayed with his Grandma but I do believe I won't be leaving him any time soon! I enjoyed not having responsibility but the joy he brings to my life is too much to leave him again. Next family vacation will be a full family affair.
I was happy to see him at the airport. He was a little confused about why we were there but was very happy to see us.

Finished

Thu, 26 May 2011 20:14:24 GMT

So today was my official last day of internship/work. It is really quite a good thing. I feel really peaceful about it. I have been preparing for it for a while and now that is here I am really satisfied with my decision to not work right now. I remember when I started I felt that it would be the longest 9 months of my life. In a lot of ways it was. It was so hard to be away from Laike and so hard, especially on Thursdays, to drive so far away from him and leave him in someone elses' care. Now it is over. I have learned alot for sure. Much more about me then about anything else, but it is all one I am sure. I really did enjoy my time with clients. I know this is something I am created for. I know that God has blessed me with a desire and a gift for working with people. I feel energized by people. I also know that I have the gift of Laike and I am so happy to have the privilege to spend my days watching him grow. We will see how doors open up as we proceed into the next phase of this journey.
Laike is continuing to light up my life. I love him beyond words. He makes me laugh, he warms my heart and he brings the word "family" to a completely new level of intensity. I am so thankful for my family, for the bond that will unite us forever.
So much to be thankful for, yet no words to really say anymore.

Jen

Sun, 06 Mar 2011 17:12:48 GMT

It was today, 8 years ago that one of my best friends died in a terrible car accident. She was 18 driving on a fast country road. She hit black ice and before she knew it she hit a tree and was dead. I think about it and it sickens me to think of her life gone so young. She was energetic, fun and someone with whom I have many great memories. I miss her deeply and it saddens me to think how life has moved on without her in it. Today i just hope to make a tribute to her and the short life she lived. She was a good friend with a good heart. She was by my side from very young. Though as young girls we had arguments she was a confidant and a friend. I love her, I miss her. May you value and hold close those you love today and always. "If everything that we have can be gone at any moment, then it is all a gift" Thank you God for the gift of Jen. Hold her close and let her know she is loved and missed.

SNOW DAY!!!!

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 17:10:43 GMT

We had a huge blizzard last night. They are calling it the Blizzard of 2011... a little dramatic but still really exciting. We have over 14 in of snow outside. People are skiing down the middle of the road, i wish i could go out. Adam tried to get his truck out, so that he could go to work today, but he got 10 feet and was stuck. Neighbors came out to help him move his truck back so that he wasn't blocking the middle of the street. He had to walk down to the main road and one of his co workers came to pick him up. It is really ridiculous that tv is so important to people that my husband has to go out in this nastiness. Anyway, HAPPY SNOW DAY!!!

Weight loss

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 18:00:02 GMT

This battle to lose pregnancy weight has been way harder then I thought it would be. I was working hard at losing the last few pounds of christmas weight when I got pregnant. I knew my body would change and that I would have to put on weight to be able to develop the growing baby inside of me. However, now my gorgeous son is here, he is 8 months old, but my thoughts and energy can sometimes be consumed by my anger towards my FAT body. It is the holidays right now so the unhealthy foods abound. I had been running and enjoying increasing my mileage in the summer and fall, but now it is getting colder and snow and ice are filling the sidewalks. Needless to say I have all but given up on running through the winter. I am still exercising and trying figure out how to burn more calories then i consume. In my head I tell myself that the only thing that really matters is that I have a healthy son who is getting lots of nutrition from my milk and if I eat healthy and stay active the weight will just melt away. It is hard to believe this. I look in my closet at all the size 6 clothes that i used to fit comfortably into. Then I cringe when i see the muffin top budge over the pants i am wearing.
Now that I've thoroughly complained..... I am more then thankful for the health of my family. For the warm happiness that each day brings. I am grateful beyond words for my baby boy and so so so filled with Joy at the wonders of God's gifts.

rhythm

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 20:04:25 GMT

I am getting better at balancing life. I am starting to enjoy my internship. It is quite amazing how strong my feelings of enjoyment for my job and wanting to be home with my baby can be. It is amazing to me that I intensely feel strongly towards conflicting situations. Anyway, I am starting to adjust to him being with Rachel and he is definitely find and adjusted. He loves when I am home but he also loves being with Adam and I think he enjoys being with Rachel. So in the end, happy baby makes a happy mama. The thing I want to add to my rhythm is running. I've stopped due to being so stressed about leaving Laike, now that I am more balanced with that I must add this in. My alarm is set for 6 20, I will get up and run.

Internship and life

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 15:01:03 GMT

I started my internship two weeks ago. So, for the past two weeks I have been overwhelmed with guilt and pain over leaving my Laike. I have not enjoyed being at my internship because I know my baby is in the care of another. I have nothing but trust for those watching my son, however, the part of me that is now mother happens to take up most of my thoughts. In any other situation I think I would truely enjoying my internship and giving it my all. I am in desperate need to let go and allow this internship to be the learning experience I know it should be. Yesterday, I was sitting in my group supervision class and I was reminded why I really do love this work. Though the days are tough and the time away from Laike completely breaks my heart, I really do think that this is a beautiful work that I have the privilege of being apart of. Yesterday a woman came into my office and immediately began weeping. I was set back at the thought of just meeting me and yet allowing her emotions to let loose. I desperately want to be used by God in this time and I know if I am to do this, I must let go of my present guilt and trust that this is the space I need to be in at this time. I know Laike is okay, He knows he is loved and in the end I truely believe it will be right for our family for me to finish this degree.

Laike is truely the light in my life right now. Adam and I have recently been doing an experiment. Laike sits in his bouncy seat where a monkey, elephant and giraffe hang over his head. He grabs his monkey every time be leaves the elephant and giraffe. So we decided to move the monkey around to the other spots and see if he still grabs for it. He does. No matter where the monkey goes he grabs it down and leaves the other two. I guess this is just my first realization that my baby has preferences and likes and dislikes. Funny that baby is!

Adam is starting to look at Music therapy as a possible future for him. He has talked to a few people and plans to go sit in on a session next week. It is excited for him to be looking at something new for his life. He has been unsettled in his current job for at least the last two years. He is spending more time in music and I believe it is truely a magical way for him to express his creative side.
I love my family, Praise be to God

4.5 months

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 20:00:16 GMT

Things are going fast and furious. Laike is starting to really show his personality. He is a lot like Adam in so many ways. He is so quiet when around new people or in new situations. However when he is a lone he loves to laugh and be tickled. He is such a sweet and pleasant boy. He is so cuddly. When I get him up from his nap he loves to snuggle in for a minute before I change his diaper. He doesn't really cry very often. He does when he is hungry or tired but that is about it. We are gearing up for me to start my internship. I will desperately miss being away from him and having to have someone else care for him. I know it is for the best in the long run. My friend Rachel is going to watch him which makes things a little better but it still isn't me and that is hard. I gave him banana for the first time yesterday. He liked it. He had been watching intently as we ate and started acting like he was starving so i decided to give him a taste. His face lit up when he tasted it. I guess he loves food just like me! Well i guess that is the best update I have

A light at the end

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 12:47:45 GMT

I am finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. All these classes will soon come to an end. I have two weeks left of course work, which includes text book reading, papers, and projects. I'm so over it. The nice thing is that at the end of this series of classes I will have a vacation. It will be so nice to be with my family in Northern Michigan. Kelsie and Kyle are coming up with their family and my parents also rented a place on the Lake. I am hoping this will become a tradition. I have fallen in love with michigan and it is all i can do to get my family to as well. I must say I miss having family. I am constantly trying to build relationships and I am realizing it is a lot more work then it has ever been before. However, i talk to my sister every day and I talk to my parents most days and it just makes me wish we were all closer. Not to mention I am desperate for childcare help, during my internship, and I know my mother would love the opportunity to be with Laike 2 days a week. ugh it makes me sick to think of someone else with my baby.
On another note i am running again which is wonderful. i am finally back to the distance I was at pre pregnancy. I am ready to push myself now. i would love to be able to get out 5 mornings a week and run 3 miles at a time but for now I will recognize the success of 3 times a week at 2 miles.
Laike is doing wonderfully. He is my little buddy. i love to hear him laugh and see him smile. He is engaging really well. sometimes we think he is older then he is and must take a step back and recognize he is still only 4 months old. I love him beyond words. A friend let me borrow her exersaucer and i have been letting him explore this. He is still really small for it but he does engage it a little bit.
Anyway, i suppose this is all for now! peace

so happy

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:58:48 GMT

i am in a very good place right now. Yesterday we went to lake michigan with Laike. I had so much fun. We were honestly only there an hour or so but wow i was so relaxed. I swam in the lake for the first time since i moved here, which is sad i know. I have put my feet in before but it was always so cold that I never actually swam in it. Yesterday it was 75 degrees in the water and it was wonderful. Laike also put his feet in but was relatively apathetic the whole experience. I on the other hand was aware of how blessed i am. I have this beautiful body of water at my disposal, a wonderful husband who loves me and a precious baby that I get to watch as he grows. I am so blessed beyond what I deserve. My sister in law recently was in a nooma video where she talks about gratitude. " if everything that we have at any moment can be taken a way, or rather can be gone, than it was never really ours to begin with, it is all a gift" Thank God for the gifts, the blessings and amazing things that I have to enjoy in this life. I am in awe of his generosity and so gracious that he is allowing me to partake in this wondrous life.

laike 3 months

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 14:07:27 GMT

My baby is the joy of my life. He is now 3 months old and it seems like he is changing so much everyday, probably because he is. He is smiling and talking so much now. When he talks he is so expressive. He loves his dad. He looks at adam as if he is mesmerized by him. Adam does not have to do much to make him laugh, smile or talk. It is wonderful to see them interact. I lvoe my family! I am seeing more and more of Laike's personality. He is very focused and will concentrate hard on something for a long time. He tends to get a bit impatient when he has to wait for food but luckily I dont' make him do that too mcuh. I've been pretty annoyed that i can't be home with him constantly. My schedule is picking up now that I have class on mondays Tuesdays and wednesdays. I have been working with a family through my internship and that has been taking up time and I've been doing a group on thursday mornings. I really do enjoy working, I find it satisfying but I also love being home with my baby. Maybe I should look at this as a blessing. when I am gone Adam gets time with Laike and that has been good for Adam, Laike and I. I believe in the Fall things will feel a little more normal. I will work 20 hours a week and it will be consistent. Adam will be home with Laike on Mondays and we will have someone come to our house for a half day on wednesdays and a full day on thursdays. I believe we have found a nanny to come. We met her last week and she seems to be a gift from God. Her name is Spring and she seems to have everything I have been praying for. When I called her references they encouraged me so much about using Spring to care for Laike. One lady told me that Spring prays for the children she works with. I hope it works out for her to come. Well i am off to take Laike to the doctor for his 3 month shot. poor baby.

two months

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 19:15:30 GMT

It has been two months today since i went in to labor, two months tomorrow since my life has been changed with a precious baby boy. I can't describe how happy I am that my son in now apart of our family. We love him so much. If feels so complete to have him here, like he was always meant to be. i love watching how Adam and I begin to fit more into the role of parents. I guess i am more watching him become a father, it is a beautiful thing. I know i am also becoming a mother, but some how it is hard to watch that happen to me, it just feels like it was always meant to be. Laike is now interacting and playing, smiling and laughing (more so at Adam than at me but i still love it when he does it) He is starting to develop somewhat of a schedule. He is still waking up two times at night but i think i am just getting used to a lack of sleep. I am still taking classes one night a week right now. I hate to leave him but knowing it is only a couple of hours makes it better. Soon I will be in classes three nights a week and that will suck. I am supposed to start my internship in the fall and i am dreading it completely. I still haven't found a place for Laike to go for the 12 hours that I will need someone to watch him. But I am earnestly praying that something wonderful happens and it all works out. I know it will only get harder as he gets old to want to be away from him, because i have seen already that every day i fall more in love with Laike and with being a stay at home mom. Adam and I went up to the lake this weekend and had a really good time with each other and with family. I wish so bad that my family was close to me that we could share special occasions together. Since i can't have my own family with me right now I am blessed that Adam's family has definitely become mine as well. I am so blessed, Thanks be to God!

4-3-2010 Laike Michael Thompson

Sun, 11 Apr 2010 23:45:47 GMT

I am a mother. It is amazing. There are honestly not words to describe the change that has taken place in my life. I love this little boy more than words can express. I woke up on Friday morning April 2 more ready to have this baby then I ever thought I would be. Adam and I talked about how perfect it would be to have this baby on that day. In fact back in January I had circled Friday April 2 (good Friday) as the perfect day to go into labor. So I got up and around 9 am I started having regular contractions. Adam was timing them and they were lasting about 30 seconds and happening ever 3 or 4 minutes. He went to work around 10 knowing that he may have to come home early. I had a midwife appointment at 10:30am so My mom and I went to that expecting that they would tell me to relax and probably later tonight I would go to the hospital. I went to the appointment and it felt like forever before they would see me. They didn't have me down on the schedule to see the midwife but only to have a Non stress test. I eventually went in for the test and asked the nurse if I would see the midwife. She said that most likely I would see her but I wasn't in the schedule. My contractions picked up and I was starting to get irritated that no one was seeing that I was in labor. After about an hour and a half Gail (the midwife) came into see me. She asked if my contractions were regular and I told they were about 4 minutes apart and lasting for about 45 seconds. She asked me if I thought I was in labor and My mom said "yes I think she is". When Gail checked my cervix I was 5 cm and she told me that I need to go to the hospital. I told her that all my stuff was at home and I needed to go home and wait for Adam to come. She told me that I should just have Adam get my things and I should go straight to the hospital. I was worried that I wouldn't have a chance to eat anything at the hospital and I wouldn't have the energy to go through with the labor. So my mom went through the drive thru at Wendy's and I had a chicken sandwich. We went home and Adam was already there. We got our things together and went to the hospital. At the hospital I was able to get into triage rather quickly. Once I was there they monitored the baby for a couple of hours to make sure he was okay. It took so long because his heart rate wasn't as active as they hoped. Finally they put me in a room and I was able to get comfortable. I got in the jet tub and that was extremely relaxing. My contractions were slower at this point and so we all just hung out. Gail came to the room and talked with me about some of my options. She told me that we could break my water and that would speed things up. I told her I was not ready for that and I wanted to see if things would pick up on their own. IT was about 5pm and Gail told me to get some food and try to move around a bit to make things faster. It was probably around 8:30pm when things really started to change. I could tell my contractions were more intense and I was getting less of a break in between. Gail came back and we decided that she would come back at 9:30 or 10 and if my water hadn't broken we would do it then. When she came back I was definitely ready for things to get going. I was getting tired and knew that unless we did something I would be in labor FOREVER. When Gail checked me I was still 5 to 6 cm. As soon as he checked my water broke. It felt really good to have the water break. It was soothing. HOwever, then things were HELL. I didn't have more then 5 seconds before I felt like the contractions were overtaking me. I tried to use my breathing and Adam would squeeze my hips as I got through each contraction. The worst part was laying down and while they monitored the baby. My mom would put cool wash cloths on my face. It was a team effort to get through each pain. Eventually the contractions were so bad and I needed more pressure on my hips. My mom was on one side pushing on a hip and Adam was on the other. I pictured myself as a ketchup bottle with the baby being squeezed out. Around 12 I told everyone that i felt pressure and wanted to push. Gail asked if I was getting the urge to push. I said "I WANT TO PUSH" she said "that didn't answer my questions but lets see where you are. I was 9 3/4 cm and she told me I could push. We began pushing which was better. I felt like i was actively doing something to get the baby out rather than just handling the pain. Gail had me moving around and changing positions to try and push in different ways. Finally around 2:02 am our beautiful Laike Michael was born. Because there had been meconium in the amniotic fluid the neonatal people had to come and suction the fluid out of his lungs. I did not get to hold him right away but was more focus on making sure he would be okay. Finally they gave the baby to Adam while they made sure the excessive bleeding that I was having would stop. I was finally able to hold my baby while I waited to be stitched. I had a pretty terrible rip that needed to be repaired. I loved holding my baby for the first time. He was so precious. I could not believe he had actually fit inside of me. I was quite amazing just to start at him. I felt the immense blessing and Grace that God had shown to me through this miracle. I won't write about the stitching because that is definitely a part that I never want to remember!.
So now Laike is home. It has been a week and 1 day since he was born and life is amazing. Adam and I are amazed at him. Everything he does down to his hiccups is the greatest thing. We love him, we are so happy to have him and can't wait to see how he changes our lives one day at a time.

Week 38.... Really?

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:23:10 GMT

I honestly cannot believe I am about to have a baby. These last weeks have really thrown me into some what of an emotional roller coaster and honestly a bit of denial about the whole thing. since I quit my job two weeks ago school has really picked up. Just like me, to get rid of one thing just to throw myself into another. The first week off of work I did do my best to get the baby's room ready. Not that I have any clue how to do that but as i said, i did my best. I rushed around cleaning the house and going shopping to get what I still needed in order to bring a baby into the house. I also spent many hours at school trying to work on completing as many papers and projects as i can so i don't have to worry about it later. It doesn't help that this has been the hardest semester i have had yet. So needless to say with all the busyiness i must have worked myself into stress i was not aware of. Last week when i went to my midwife appointment my blood pressure was 144/ 92 and there was protein in my urine and my reflexes were hyperreactive. My midwife was worried. She gave me a nonstress test and ordered labs to check out why these things were happening. Their initial thought was that i was developing preeclamsia. By the time i left the office my blood pressure was 102/ 70 and the non stress test came back normal. however, i was restricted to moderate bed rest and told to stay off my feet as much as possible or, if the symptoms persist, they would induce. AHHHH i freaked out, induce me???? I am not ready for that, i don't want that, i have too many things to do before the baby comes I CAN"T BE INDUCED!!!! So i followed the rules and only got on my feet to make quick meals and go to class. Happily i can say that yesterday i went to the doctor and all of my labs were normal, my blood pressure is back to normal and there were no more threats of induction. I am still required to stay off my feet as much as possible and only do things that are low stress. Apparently i am not aware of what stresses me out because i didn't even know i was stressed. I can assume that a big part of my stress is coming from the unknown of having a baby, my family changing and doubts of my ability to do it. In my head i tell myself i can, but in honesty i would be lying if i didn't say i have major major doubts. I tell myself it is normal to doubt and i believe that, but i must keep positive about this. I am getting excited about bringing a baby home however, with this also comes more stress because i still cannot just focus on my baby. How i wish school was over and i did not have to go to class until i knew i was capable. But I will only be able to miss a couple classes and then it is back to reality. I DON"T WANT THAT. I want the enjoyment of getting to know my son and truely embracing the experience, but i feel like i am not given that opportunity and I am going to miss out. So my mind is flooded with questions of How am i going to do it all? I don't want to do it all anymore, i want to be able to focus on my baby, i don't give a damn about school right now but i dont know how to let it go. OH God help me! Some how i know it will work out but i just wish i didn't have so many worries about it. Any, it is good for me to journal about this, hopefully it will relieve someone of my anxious feelings!

hmmmm

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 22:50:20 GMT

So I want to write this down so I remember it. I am usually not one who reads into external signs however, we have been struggling lately with what to name our baby. I feel like it is such a big decision and I don't want to take it lightly. I have been reading in the bible about all the names that God gave to parents for their children. So i wondered why God hadn't given me a name. Anyway, I was thinking today while i was driving around about what his name should be. One of the names that we have been thinking about is Laike. It is such an unusual name that I have been nervous about it. The reason behind this name is that every major evet in Adam and my life has been by a lake, or water. Our first date was by the lake, he proposed by water, we were married by the lake, we found out about our baby by the lake. Its really just been a significant symbol in our relationship in multiple ways. So I was driving around, like i said, and i pass a mini van that had a blue sign in the windsheild that had big bold letters, LAKE. It is a random weird thing that happened and I just wanted to write it down so i remember. Still no official name is set but definitely something to think about.

Elephant

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 02:31:48 GMT

I feel like an elephant!

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:50:07 GMT

I have been feeling really good these last few weeks. I have been still feeling extremely tired but I feel things are manageable. People keep telling me that the last trimester is usually pretty tough so I am enjoying what I have while I have it. Sleep at night has been difficult but i have managed to find ways of getting rest when I need it. I have been really busy at work which has worked to be a focus for me. When things were slow I was so focused on how I was feeling that maybe being busy is what has helped me. I am taking classes too which has also increased my focus on things outside of myself.
We finally finished the basement which is so nice. Adam, i know, is so happy that it is finally done. We have begun to move things out of (what will be) the baby's room. We got the crib and changing table a few days ago. Still in the box but at least they are here.
Things have been good lately. Adam and I are focusing on each other a lot these days and communicating alot about how our life will change for the better as well as, things that we will have to adjust. It is actually really exciting to see how both of us have changed over the last few months. Our view on this transition in general has progressed from being completely freaked out to being accepting and honest about the joys that this will bring. It is honestly a humbling experience for me to see how God is changing me emotionally, spiritually, and physically as I prepare to give birth to a new life. Amazing, how honored i am that I am used in this way.
We have been going to Mars hill lately, since our church has recently shut its doors. It has been so much of what i need. I've never been one to think that a church service is going to give me completely what I need but i have felt much more connected to God, my husband and my friends. I have also felt much more connected to my son. Well enough for now!

ugh

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:37:10 GMT

I am now officially feeling mammoth. People keep telling me that I look smaller than 6 months but what do they really know. I feel completely huge. I am currently sitting at work thinking about all the things I need to do when I stand up because I don't want to have to stand up again unless I have to. When I walk I feel every ligament from my stomach to my butt. It really is uncomfortable. The tightness i feel around my belly make me imagine the stretching that must take place for my little guy to have room. It is a miracle yes but an uncomfortable one. My daily routines have developed more struggle. To turn on my computer at work I must manuver my toe to reach the power button. I have christmas lights attached under my desk and I often kick the plug, which turns them off. So instead of bending down to turn them back on I must, again, manuver my foot to put the plug back in the socket. No one tells you about this stuff. I am writing it down so that I will know for next time. I am so happy beyond words that I am blessed to have this experience. But for the record, I will be beyond relieved once my baby is here in my arms. May i make it one day at a time, till my healthy baby boy can breath fresh air and I can see his face!

mondays

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:21:49 GMT

Mondays are always so dreary, no matter if the sun is shining or not. Today is probably more so because Adam and i just got back from an amazing weekend and I did not want to go back to work. We decided that we needed a little get away to spend time together since those moments will soon be few. we went to a bela fleck show on Friday after a nice dinner. Then we stayed the rest of the weekend at a bed and breakfast is sagatuck. The room was gorgeous. It was over looking the lake which was pretty. our room had a fire place and a jacuzzi. It was so nice to just be together without any other demands. We woke up saturday with an amazing breakfast then we spent the morning walking around town trying to do some christmas shopping. We each ending up getting a book for ourselves and doing some wine tasting. We only ended up crossing one person off the Christmas list but we had fun. Then we came back to the inn and played a game with popcorn and hot chocolate. then I spent some time in the jacuzzi which I realized made all the uncomfortable pregnancy feelings go away. It is amazing how relaxed water can make a person feel. Anyway, the weekend continued with good food, good music, and wonderful conversation between Adam and I. I truely love him beyond words!

It's a boy!!!

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 23:07:58 GMT

We had our ultra sound last Tuesday. It was so amazing. We found out that we are having a boy! I am so excited, I know I would have been excited either way but I was just so happy when she said we were having a boy. It is fun now to begin to imagine what he will look like or how he will act. It is nice that I can call him a "HE" rather than it. I feel him moving so much and it is so crazy to know that he is growing and developing. We need to begin to prepare a bedroom for him. We are working on finishing the basement and have not really had much time to think about baby stuff. We have been having a lot of car problems and really need to get a new car before baby comes. I know that Adam has so much to think about and does not have much time to do so. I have school and work and also don't have much time to focus. I will be happy when I can be finished with work and focus on preparing for our son.
We had Thanksgiving last week. It was so great to spend time with family. we were with Adam's parents and Grandma on Thanksgiving day then we went to Kelsie's for the rest of the weekend. Rachel came and spend the weekend with us also. It was nice to be with my sisters. kelsie is also pregnant and it has been so nice to be on this journey with her.
Now it is time to think about Christmas. I am pretty excited to decorate for Christmas. I think I will do that this weekend!

ugh

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:50:34 GMT

Why do I still feel like I am living somewhere between about to throw up and starving my face off? Just when I think things are getting somewhat doable I start to feel like crap again. I have had so much pain recently. I know it is just gas pain but it sucks that there is only one way to get rid of it. I've also felt this baby kicking me a ton, which is something that I find really funny. I wish so bad Adam could enjoy that part of it. Right now he is just stuck with a complaining lazy wife. This morning I took Teva for a walk and that was really nice. I am so thankful that it is still so beautiful outside this late in November. I am looking forward to this week with family. We are going to Indiana on Wednesday and will celebrate thanksgiving with Adam's parents and grandma. Then we will go to Columbus to spend time with my sisters and family. It will wonderful to have a break.

random thoughts

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:59:17 GMT

I'm 21 weeks now and I'm really feeling good. The baby is moving a lot and it is exciting to think about how it is growing. I'm so excited for when the baby finally comes. I'm not truly a fan of being pregnant, i am most excited about watching the development of this baby after it is born. I've always been completely intrigued with child development and it is completely crazy to me that I will soon be watching my own son or daughter grow up. crazy really.

I am totally sick of my job, i will be so happy when I can be done with this phase of my life and focus on raising this baby and going to school and becoming a counselor. I struggle with this because I have always told myself to be fully present in my experiences. What i am trying to be fully present to is my life as it is now and with my husband. It is difficult though because i rarely see him and I feel like i just fly through the weeks looking forward to the next thing. It will be so nice to have some time off at Thanksgiving to spend time with my family and get away for a little bit.

I'm struggling so much lately with providing good food for my family. I know adam is getting tired of me throwing together things at the last minute. I need to be more intentional with this, but i really feel like I have no time to do this. I will work at this.

18 weeks can it be?

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 19:49:03 GMT

I am committing to saying that I am starting to feel better. In 3 years when I look back on this and if I am blessed enough to be pregnant again this may give me some hope. I did throw up this morning and I would give anything to have a nap. None the less, i think I am on the up swing. The last 4 or 5 days have been excellent. I was able to take Teva out for a nice walk and really enjoy the pleasures of my favorite time of year. The hardest part lately is that I have had no time with my husband. Since i am in class most nights and he doesn't get out of work until late, we have not been seeing much of one another. It makes me sad that this seems to be how things end up once couples start to have kids. I am determined to fight against it however, it is no ones fault, it just is what it is. This weekend I look forward to time alone with him. It is Halloween and I get so excited about being home and passing out candy. This may seem childish, but I have never had this privileged and now I revel in it. I plan on making chili having a fire and waiting for scary little kids to knock on my front door. Crazy holiday really, but fun none the less.

day of rest

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:06:28 GMT

Today was an unexpected and very much needed day off. My car overheated this morning on my way to work so I had to get it in the shop. I was able to get some things done around the house and take a nap. Although I was still nauseous, it made it more bearable to be at home and have all I need near by. Work has become such a pain lately. Not only am I extremely bored because i don't have much to do, but I have lost all gusto for the job. Not to mention most of the time that I am there I feel like crap. I am also going to class 3 nights a week which makes for a very busy life. Anyway, today I actually spent time really focusing on what becoming a mother may be like. Not the things that everyone is telling me (late nights, painful breasts, and a changing identity). I've been focusing on the Me that will be changing into a parent. It is a beautiful thing really. I've been so scared that I will have to lose me and start wearing moo moos with snow men on them, but really this time is a natural change that I have always wanted to make and now it is happening. Adam and I really are at a good time in our lives for this. We have an amazing marriage and we are going to love this baby completely. I did a lot of reading and I really hope that my pregnancy and birth go as naturally as I want it too. This is a beautiful and messy journey, i just hope sickness leaves soon.